My SunJuice Food Diary--Parody


Hi there. I invented this crazy thing called SunJuice on a total whim before juicing was even a thing. I've found that even if you're eating candy and hamburgers and smoking all day, a SunJuice (which is only $10-$14 per bottle!) will instantly make you feel just a little bit better. And then you'll up it to two SunJuices a day and then you'll find you're giving up smoking and eating a little bit better. It's like a magic elixir.

But because I've invented SunJuice, I know so many people have been asking to see what it is I eat in a typical day, so I thought I'd break it down for you.

Pre-Breakfast

I typically wake between 5 and 6:30AM, when I do 92 sun salutations to the Egyptian god Osiris. I also like to throw in a couple of Gregorian chant sets that I learned from my two months living amongst silent monks in the Swiss Alps. We don't use alarm clocks in my Venice Beach shack because I believe it disrupts the body's inner chi, so I wake when I feel naturally ready.

After my salutations, I have beetroot and Peruvian water tea. The water is taken through a purifying process by a local sherpa and infused with the well intentions of the spirits of my ancestors. I get this shipped to my house by the caseload every 2 weeks.

For my lazy morning beauty regime, I swallow SunJuice's Pure Himalayan Mud capsules, which have extra calcium, B-complex and fou ji resin to help keep my skin glowing all day.

Breakfast

I allow my son, Nascent, to wake when his body clock is ready, which is usually anywhere from 8am to 9am. Nascent is home schooled by his tri-lingual teacher Ho Sun. Although he's only 3, I think it's important that he takes his lessons in Italian, Polish and Mandarin. He's already doing advanced algebra and is working with Ho Sun to bring Kundalini yoga to kids who currently reside on Skid Row.

I digress.

I typically have about 10 activated strawberries, dipped in the milk curd of a 3-year-old virgin goat. This helps with brain activation and keeps me going all day, as well as helps my hair stay shiny and enhances my libido. I also have a handful of plain chia seeds and the warm Peruvian water mixed with froth created by mixing together scorpion juice and natural volcanic ash. This is loaded with vitamins and minerals, like vitamin L to keep your past lives balanced and and Q to make your nails grow strong. Afterward, I follow it up with three shots plankton and seaweed juice, to activate my third eye.

Snack

I'm not a big snacker, but today I'm feeling a little peckish as I make my way to the Sun Juice shop. I decide to have one of our grapefruit juice smoothies infused with shots of cacao, locally sourced rose hips and papayas grown by a shaman named Dom in Colombia. Dom uses organic, pesticide free farming, in addition to infusing it with a special prayer to the Norse god Odin for strength and emotional stability. Yum!

Lunch

Lunch was on the go and in between so many meetings, texts and cell phone conversations. I made myself an elegant rainbow salad of sun-dried tomatoes (dried by hand by nuns in Tuscany), organic pesticide free lettuce leaves, pomegranates from the tomb of Rachel in Jerusalem, apples from my educational visit to the orchard with Nascent and Ho Sun and a sprinkling of maca, the superfood we're focusing on at the moment. I added a little bit of lemon zest and SunJuice's salad dressing, which is infused with the kosher vegan tears of Buddhist monks from Tibet. This not only helps keep my spiritual balance for the rest of the day, but gives me a big energy boost.

Dinner

Before my alkaline restoring private blind German yoga session with my go-to girl, Dusk, I swing by the house and pick up Nascent where we go to his favorite restaurant, Essence of Karma in the Valley. I order my favorite: Mexican pepitas, dipped in anti-oxident rich pearl batter foraged from the shores of Okinawa. I have a side of green tea, infused with cayenne pepper and SunJuice's almond butter paste to maximize my focus during the yoga session. Dusk invented an amazing type of yoga that's done completely in the dark, wearing a blindfold to increase the trust in your own body. I always bring along a bottle of my Peruvian water mixed with my ancestors' good intentions to keep my body and spirit aligned and hydrated.

Before Bed

After three hours of intense blind yoga, I take a shower in water collected from the Amazon, infused with SunJuice's own mochi resin to restore any imbalance that occurred during the class. I tuck in Nascent and sneak downstairs for a night cap of SunJuice's mushroom and cacao juice mixed with our own free range chocolate. Although we make it at our Venice store, all of the ingredients are foraged by schoolchildren from Laos and Honduras, who do this in their spare time to help raise money for school supplies. I love indulging knowing I'm also helping these kids achieve their goals.

I do a 10 minute whirling Dervish routine before sliding into my eco-friendly and fair trade cotton sheets and drifting off to sleep.


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So, I've never really written parody before as I don't consider myself a comedy writer by any means, but I have become obsessed with Amanda Chantal Bacon's crazy food diary that resurfaced on the Internet. The radiant inventor of Moon Juice, Amanda eats at least $720 worth of products in one day, by herself, ALONE. And I can't stop thinking about it. Read the article here. 

See you tomorrow for some stuff this blog is actually meant for.








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3 comments

  1. Hahah, well written. Is it just me, or ia the biggest irony being that her surname is BACON!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hahah, well written. Is it just me, or ia the biggest irony being that her surname is BACON!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha thanks. YES, that's the weirdest part.

      Delete

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